My five-year-old niece, Zora, is my little teacher of life. She reminds me of all of the little lessons that I forgot to remember. When she was four, she would say, “Titi, I made a mistake, but I tried my best,” and she would again try to complete the task at hand. Of course, Zora’s life lessons are tested in situations that many of us would find to be miniscule. Like when she colors outside of the lines, or gets the wrong answer on a kindergarten math problem. Making mistakes and acknowledging that we tried is a lesson that we often forget to keep with us as we grow. We beat ourselves up if we can’t do something correctly even when we try our hardest. Then, sometimes we quit instead of trying again. Zora reminded me that it’s okay to mess up as long as I don’t give up.
Well, I have a confession. I made a mistake. I forgot to keep healing.
Learning to admit my mistakes has been a real battle for me. I always thought that by admitting my mistakes people would view me as weak or flawed, but how could I get help if I never admit that there is a problem? Luckily, my new career has taught me that I will never know everything, and that I will always have to ask for help if I want to grow.
I have been on my journey of healing for almost two years now.
When I began this journey, I was going extremely hard with every single aspect of healing. I was praying, meditating for short periods of time, journaling regularly, exercising at least 4 times per week, speaking daily affirmations into myself and writing (so much writing). I was writing letters to my future self, letters to my ex, letters to my future spouse, letters to God and tiny bits of inspiration to post on my social media platforms. I was feeling amazing. I was feeling healthy. I was free and confident and I had reached a level of peace that no one could touch.
I finally started that career (the one that I prayed for), and I stopped breathing.
I thought to myself, it’s all happening. Things are finally working out the way that I want them to. I made a promise to myself that I would try my hardest to become the very best special education teacher that I could possibly be. I put all of my energy into learning everything about my career. Many days I found myself staying at work well into the evening. I cancelled many of my fitness training sessions and eventually stopped working out with my trainer. I stopped everything that didn’t involve my career. I stopped writing, praying, meditating. I stopped talking to my friends. I stopped giving advice. I stopped taking advice outside of work. I stopped reading self-help books. I stopped being gentle with myself. I even stopped that Breathe notification on my apple watch, because I didn’t have time to breathe. I paused my whole life for my job. Crazy, right? Yea, I know. I made constant mistakes, but I wasn’t being gentle about it. I wasn’t telling myself that I made a mistake, but I tried my best. I wasn’t telling myself that mistakes are shitty, but they happen and it is ok.
In the midst of my hectic workload, I felt that I no longer had time to heal (a time when I needed healing the most). I didn’t know that healing never stops. It is something that I have to work on continuously.
Eventually, I started to change. I lacked energy. I lost interest in the things that I would normally be excited to do. I stopped checking non-work related texts and emails. I stopped taking calls.
My life wasn’t balanced, because I stopped healing.
All of the areas that I was not giving my energy to started to spiral. I realized that it was time to heal again. I cried in this moment, because I felt that all my hard work went down the drain, and I knew it would again feel hard. It would again feel like I was breaking. I didn’t want to start over. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, but finding balance is always necessary.
I started therapy and I call her my new best friend. She is definitely the type of therapist that you would want on your team. She challenges me, in a healthy way, to think outside of my own boundaries. Before we were forced into quarantine, my therapist suggested that I take a 3-5 day break from work in order to reset. I had no intention on taking her advice. I didn’t plan on stopping until the school year was over. When quarantine began, I stayed in bed for nearly two weeks, because my body needed to rest and I refused to let it. I put work before my healing and it caused me to undo all of the work that I had put in. I thought that as long as I was busy and occupied, I was still healing. Now, looking at it from a different angle I know that was a ridiculous and careless way to handle myself.
I’ve heard a few people say that they’ve replaced heartbreak with their career. That’s bullshit advice. Throw it away if anyone ever tries to tell you to do this. Do not ever use anything as a distraction from healing. Replace heartbreak with healing and never forget to keep healing. Keep breathing. Keep trying to be the best at healing yourself.
Remember to take a break if you need one, and always go back to what is healthy for you.
To all my good people who are out here healing: Please don’t stop putting in the work just because you are feeling better. Keep pushing endless love into yourself. The work is not done. The work is never done.
From Zakiah w/ Love